We have been discussing the five criteria an opportunity needs to meet to be considered an open door in your life. So far, we have touched on the idea of open doors being immediate, affordable, and aligned. Today, we're going to talk about one of the most overlooked criteria when choosing to seize new opportunities.
The Problem with Struggle
I recently got an e-mail telling me that some of the ways I have characterized leaving counseling have probably been hard for former clients to read. I call things like this Sixth Sense moments (from the movie, I don’t think I’m psychic) because I hadn’t even thought about it, but it seemed obvious as soon as it was pointed out to me.
I hadn't realized it, but I felt guilty about leaving a profession like counseling for one that is easier for me and fits better with my natural inclinations and how I do things. I am not a super emotional person, and I tend to be overly action-oriented and solution-focused. This is often more helpful in coaching than it is in counseling, so the transition was natural for me.
The thing is, being excited about the transition wasn't enough of a reason for me to embrace it, so I characterized leaving counseling as something necessary and unavoidable rather than a choice I made because it was good for me in my life.
Being a counselor was at least 95% positive for me. I got to work with really cool people to do really cool things, and I still keep in touch with a lot of them and value the work we did together.
The bad-faith actors were few and far between, but I think they had a disproportionate impact on me because of the undiagnosed thyroid issues. I also think I overworked myself, over-committed to things, and felt I had to say yes to everything people brought me. This was a mistake, but it wasn't fatal, and I could have corrected it over time.
As Americans, we have this cultural narrative about pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps and clawing and scratching for everything that we have. We take pride in doing things the hard way and overworking ourselves. To some extent, we even feel guilty about seizing opportunities that we are excited about, especially in our current culture, where everyone defines and values themselves by how hard their life is.
Here's the simple truth that this e-mail helped me recognize: I was blessed and privileged to be a counselor for as long as I was. I was blessed and privileged to work with a bunch of awesome people for over ten years. I was a good counselor, and I was able to help people.
All that can be true, and I can still say that coaching is a better fit for me. It allows me to do the things I'm best at without a lot of the things that were difficult for me as a counselor. I changed professions because I was excited about it, but something inside of me felt like I had to characterize it as a necessary choice because of this narrative around struggle.
This is all important because one of the most fundamental criteria for walking through open doors is that we are excited about what's in the room we are walking into. There's no reason to take steps and make hard changes if you aren't excited about where they are going to take you.
Hell, Yes or No
I don't remember which book it's in, but Ryan Holiday has this idea that if something is not a hell yes, then it's a no. I focused on this idea for an entire year back in 2019, and it changed everything for me.
I don't take on a new client until we've had a 5-to-10-minute phone call so that I can see what it is they want to work on, and we can both decide if we are a good fit for each other. My basic rule on these calls is that if I find myself doing mental gymnastics to talk myself into saying yes to them, then it is an automatic no.
If I find myself trying to talk myself into saying yes to a project or a business opportunity, then I say no. If I find myself trying to talk myself into spending more time with someone or investing more in the relationship, then I say no.
I used to be bad about saying yes to things because they were offered to me. As I learn more about myself, I'm discovering that my sense of imposter syndrome encourages me to say yes to everything because I don't want to disappoint people.
It's strange, but at 46 years old, there's still a high school dropout living deep inside of me who feels like we have to claw and scratch for everything and that opportunities don't come around for people like us very often, so we better say yes to everything.
When I look back over the last two decades, I can see that saying yes to the wrong things - relationships, jobs, business partnerships, clients, and a million other things - has never turned out well. I’ve come to see it as an investment in suffering, and I refuse to make that investment anymore.
Now, I only look for things that excite me. I only want to work with people that excite me, and I only want to work on projects that have exciting potential built into them. Doing big things is hard, but they are impossible when we are only partially committed. It’s impossible to fully commit to something we are not excited about.
The Nuance of Excitement
This isn't as simple as it sounds, though. It doesn't mean that we can live our lives only doing the things we want to do. That's a surefire path to self-absorption and stagnation. We have to know ourselves well enough to discern two things: the difference between anxiety and excitement and the things that have a deeper level to them.
Anxiety versus Excitement
Many people cannot tell the difference between anxiety and excitement and tend to default towards seeing things as being anxiety-inducing. This is easy to see when you think about something like riding a roller coaster - you're anxious about it, but you also paid a lot of money for the ticket, and you were willing to wait in line to do it. This clearly indicates that it's more exciting than anxiety-inducing.
I’m not going to dive all the way into this because my brilliant friend Meredith Hooke already wrote a really good piece on it, but we all need to understand that the way our mind frames an opportunity goes a long way toward characterizing it as either anxiety or excitement. There's really no difference in the way we experience them physically, so taking a moment to ask ourselves which one we are feeling can change how we see something.
Digging for the Hell Yes
We also have to be able to look at the deeper aspects of the opportunity. I do a lot of things that I don't want to do, and that are not a hell yes for me in and of themselves, but they are tied to a hell yes.
I hate things like game nights and group activities, but my wife loves them and is in charge of planning them for her brokerage. Making my wife happy is a hell yes, so I attend game nights and group activities.
I do not like taking care of my lawn. It seems silly to me to grow something just to cut it back down, but being respectful of my neighbors and maintaining the value of my home is a hell yes, so I take care of my lawn.
I do not inherently enjoy physical activity, especially exercise, but not being in pain all the time is a hell yes for me, so I exercise and move my body a lot.
Wise People
I know all of this could sound like that feel-good nonsense that I usually speak out against, so I want to introduce one more important criteria for when using excitement as a way to assess an opportunity: it also has to excite the smart people who care about us.
We all need an objective perspective on things, especially when they excite us, and we really want them to work out. This is where wise people who care about us enough to deliver bad news are very important. Make sure you consult with them about opportunities and consider what they have to say.
You need to expand your social circle if you don't have smart people who truly care about you. None of us have all the answers, and we all need to have people in our lives who are cheering for us but who also care about us enough to tell us when we are about to make a mistake. Having these people in my life has saved me over the years, not having them in my life has wrecked me.
Journal Prompts
· What recent opportunities have genuinely excited me, and why?
· How does my body react when I think about an opportunity that excites me? What physical sensations do I notice?
· What types of opportunities tend to excite me the most? Are they aligned with my long-term goals and values?
· How can I distinguish between excitement that comes from external pressure or trends versus excitement that comes from my inner desires?
· Are there any opportunities in front of me now that seem exciting but also make me nervous? What is behind that nervousness?
· How do I typically talk myself out of pursuing exciting opportunities, and how can I challenge those thoughts?
· What small steps can I take today toward an opportunity that excites me?
· Have I ever ignored or passed up an opportunity because it seemed too exciting or too good to be true? What happened?
· If I could pursue any opportunity right now without considering practical constraints, what would it be? How can I start moving toward it?
Thank you for reading, I'll look forward to talking to you next week.
James
Great post! And I appreciate the shout out! 😀