Rules for Living: Understand Control
Controlling your perception of control will help you exercise control.
Control is a tough thing. We want a lot of it, we have very little, and we tend to think we have more than we do.
Understanding control might just be the most important thing we can understand in life. Here are a few of my favorite quotes about it.
Epictetus:
"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."
"Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens."
Marcus Aurelius:
"You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."
Lao Tzu
"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still."
Viktor E. Frankl:
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
William James:
"The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."
Epictetus is one of my favorite philosophers.
A serious philosopher told me that this means I don’t understand real philosophy.
Apparently, the Stoics are not well regarded in the realm of real philosophy because their ideas were too mundane and concrete.
That is why I like the Stoics. I don't understand the purpose of a philosophy that does not help us live better. I can be interested in ideas, but unless they help me live a better life, they feel like more of a hobby than anything else. There's nothing wrong with hobbies, but we do need to be careful how much time we invest in them.
The serious philosopher disagreed with this.
I am OK with that because Epictetus taught me about the dichotomy of control: some things are within our control (our actions, thoughts, and will), and some things are not (external events, the actions of others, and outcomes).
Understanding what is within your control and what is not within your control is life-changing. It can help you whether you are a man or a woman, whether you believe in a God or are an atheist, whether you are conservative or liberal, and even if you like Radiohead.
This might be audacious, but I take Epictetus's dichotomy and tweak it a bit. I know he's a world-famous historical philosopher, but I think he was wrong about our thoughts being fully under our control. The things we consume and what we choose to dwell on have an impact on our thoughts, but they are never fully under our control. Try this:
Do not think of a basketball.
Do not think of Antarctica.
Do not think of elementary school.
Do not, under any circumstances, remember that time you embarrassed yourself.
Those things inevitably came into your mind in some form or fashion. Our minds reflect the world around us, and we cannot stop that any more than we can stop a mirror from reflecting the room that it is in.
I think there are three types of control: complete control, conditional control, and no control. A majority of everything in the world falls into the latter two categories.
We have no control over pretty much everything. Other people, world events, the conditions of our existence, and most everything else that happens all around us all the time. There are parts of our bodies we do not have control over. Our heart beats on its own, and we breathe all night whether we mean to or not. These are good things, but they happen without us noticing most of the time.
We have conditional control over quite a few things, but we often think we have complete control over them. You could do things to be as healthy as possible, but cancer and car wrecks can still change this. We can control what we eat so long as the store has it in stock and we can afford to buy it. We can control the kind of people we are around so long as they consent to be in our lives, or we do not get thrown in prison.
Conditional control makes up a large part of our existence, but we often fail to exercise it because we are focused on the things we cannot control. This is where complete control comes in.
We have complete control over one thing in our lives, and that is how we respond to all the things we have conditional and no control over. Embracing this and learning to make the most of it can change everything in your life and make everything a lot easier.
I used to blame myself for things that were not my fault. Thinking that certain automatic internal responses told me something about myself, I created a narrative about myself and lived that narrative out in my day-to-day life. I have learned not to do that, and it has made everything better.
Here's a recent example.
Without going into too much detail, someone was rude to me last week. From what I can tell, it was a stressful day at their job, and I increased that stress by showing up. They were annoyed and confrontational before I could even open my mouth and remained this way throughout our interactions (I had to go twice).
The first time, I did not have much of an internal reaction. I appreciate workers who are trying to do their jobs, and I am always polite to them. I have worked in customer service a lot over the years, and I understand that customers can suck. I also have a general respect for anybody who works.
We got through the first interaction without incident. They weren't nice, but I chose to think the best of them and did not feel any type of way. When I came back, they did not even try to hide their annoyance with me and insisted that I do something that is their job if I was going to utilize their business again.
They were authoritarian and condescending, which are hard for me to handle without running my mouth, especially since it came from another man. I felt anger arise, and the thoughts that popped into my head were not helpful.
I opened my mouth to voice them but then closed it, paused for a second, and was polite instead. I not only did the thing that was their job, but I did a good job and did more than they asked (told) me to do.
This was hard for me. I have an oppositional streak that jumps up when it comes to other men treating me a certain way. This is out of my control. The thoughts that ran through my head, including one where I hit him in the face, were beyond my control. What was in my control was my response to those thoughts and feelings, and I chose to exercise that, so the situation turned out well.
I had no control over how this person treated me. I'm pretty good about acknowledging when I am the cause of a conflict, and I can say I did not do anything to inspire this other than showing up where they work.
How they interacted with me and the thoughts and feelings that arose in response to that were in the realm of no control. By exercising complete control over how I responded to those things that were not in my control, I was able to take responsibility for my side of the conditional control in the situation, and it turned out as well as it could have.
This is an easy example because it was recent and is unusual where I live. Everyone in West Texas is generally friendly to a fault, so this stood out. Situations where we have to choose our response are common though, and we often fail to make good choices because we fail to understand our complete control, and therefore responsibility, over our response to all the things that we have no control or conditional control over.
Journal Prompts
What do I try to control that I cannot?
What do I try to control that I should not?
How often do I neglect what I can control because I am focused on something beyond my control?
What would it look like if I chose my response in every situation?
As always, thank you for taking the time to read these things I write.
Take care,
James