Summary
Honesty, Being Dramatic, and Mythologizing Our Suffering
Be Honest
Younger James Lied A Lot
How to Reduce White Lies
Flooding in Texas
Soundtracks
A Legacy of Honesty
Quotes
"A half truth is a whole lie."
Yiddish Proverb
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people."
Spencer Johnson
"Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it'll always get you the right ones."
John Lennon
Housekeeping
We are talking about honesty this month. Today we'll look at the impact of dishonesty and ways we can be more honest. We will spend the rest of the month looking at how we can be more honest with ourselves through the lens of how we narrate our lives, the inherent dishonesty of drama, and how we mythologize our suffering.
I've begun working on a new book that I'm excited about. My goal with this one is to take it to an actual agent and publishing company and see if I can do something with it instead of investing a bunch of time and energy and forgetting about it. We'll see how that plays out.
What's Going On
My health has been up and down lately. I went hyperthyroid again in June for a week or two, so we adjusted my medication. My testosterone was also way too high, which is strange. I should have been strutting around with my chest puffed out and kicking sand in people's faces at the beach, but I was just super shaky and tired. Being an alpha male is overrated.
All of that rolled into a terrible sinus infection that laid me out. I spent three or four days doing whatever work I could and then laying down for 20 or 30 minutes, which is not like me. I'm usually moving and doing something from when I wake up until I go to bed. I finally went to the doctor and got a couple of steroid shots and some antibiotics. I feel a little more human today.
It's strange to go from never going to the doctor or taking any medication to knowing everybody at my doctor's office and taking medication multiple times a day. It was funny when I was telling my doctor my symptoms because we were trying to figure out what was because of the thyroid, what was because of the testosterone, whether or not the cough was because I was sick or because of the blood pressure medication, and how my cortisone levels might play into everything. I am super excited to see the endocrinologist in August.
I'm not used to feeling poorly, so this has given me a lot to work with regarding acceptance and gratitude, and that's been cool. It has also kept me focused on how much of this life is beyond our control, and how reliant we are on grace in every moment. I'm hoping to have some answers soon, but this is manageable no matter what.
This month's topic is difficult for me because I struggled with honesty (which is a nice way of saying I lied a lot) when I was younger. It's hard for me to exaggerate the benefits of honesty, so let's jump in.
A Simple Way to Have a Good Life
This month's simple way to have a good life is to be honest.
This is basic. We are probably told more about it growing up than anything else. This is because honesty is one of those cornerstone traits that everything else relies on. I've known a lot of talented, charismatic people who failed to succeed because people recognized that they were dishonest. I've also known a lot of people who didn’t seem to stand out in any particular way, but they were well respected and successful because people knew they were honest.
Immanuel Kant had this idea he called the Categorical Imperative. He phrased it as "Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law."
In modern words, he said we should only do things we would do in every situation, regardless of circumstances. For instance, he would have said that if we value honesty, we should be honest in every situation, no matter what. We will not be looking at honesty in terms of a categorical imperative.
We could do with more honesty in the world, though. We have all become so accustomed to blatant lies, half-truths, and sneaky weasel words that let people say one thing when they mean another that we don't notice it anymore.
It's sad how disconnected we've become from the idea of being honest. We are so used to our politicians and their press secretaries and the media at large lying to us that we expect it and accept it with a shrug. It's leading to a slow unraveling of the social fabric. We are at the point where we often celebrate dishonest people now. I know this isn't new and has happened in many societies before ours, but it's never led to anything good.
I do understand that we cannot take honesty as a categorical imperative. If you are hiding Anne Frank in your house and Nazi soldiers ask if she's there, you should lie to them. I've heard people apply this same argument to dealing with the police. If you have marijuana and a policeman asks you about it, I can understand why you would lie to them too, especially here in Texas.
One of my goals over the last few years has been to chip away at any and all the little white lies I tell, though. This is easier for me these days. I haven't had to deal with the police in an adversarial manner in a long time. I definitely used to lie to them a few times per week, but this isn't an issue anymore (part of me wants to say that if you are going to do something you shouldn't be doing, then you should own it when you get caught, but that’s just big talk from someone who doesn't have to deal with that situation anymore).
So many of us are accustomed to quick little white lies that they seem to come out whether we mean for them to or not. Over the years, I've talked to a lot of people who would tell me about a lie they told, and they couldn't quite even understand why they did it; it just happened. Learning to be honest in our simple, everyday interactions primes us to be honest in the more difficult moments.
Here are a few reasons I think honesty matters:
As I said, the more often we are dishonest, the easier it is to be dishonest. When we lie in little things, we lie in big things. Before long, it's a habit.
We feel better about ourselves when we are honest. I don't know what it is, but there is something wired into us makes us feel bad for lying.
You can't un-ring the bell of dishonesty. Once you've lied to someone, everything you say to them is suspect from there on out, as it should be.
In a world full of liars, being trustworthy is a superpower.
An Example
I used to lie a lot.
I lied to the cops.
I lied to my parents.
I lied to my friends.
I lied to girlfriends.
I lied for a lot of reasons. I lied to get what I wanted or to get myself out of trouble, but I also lied about things I said and things I did to create a cooler image of myself. I was a super insecure kid. This led me to seek ways to stand out, and lying was the easiest way.
The first lie I distinctly remember telling was in 2nd grade. I grew up in the mountains, but was going to school in Lancaster, Texas for a semester. It was a culture shock. It may have been bigger than the town I grew up in.
On the first day, the teacher handed out milk, and she asked if anybody was allergic to chocolate milk. I raised my hand and said I was. I wasn't, but I wanted to be different. I was stuck without chocolate milk for the one semester I was there, but I got to feel special.
This would turn into a habit for me. As I wrote about this, I remembered how years later - I think it was my freshman year in high school - I tried to fail the eye exam because I wanted to wear glasses.
I realized this was a problem in my early 20s. It had become so normalized to me that I didn't realize I was doing it, and it bothered me once I became more conscious of it. I dedicated myself to radical honesty, even when it led to uncomfortable situations. I’ve never gotten to be perfect – I realized that I lie to those solar and security system salesmen who come to my door when I tell them we are renting so they will go away – but it’s rare that I am openly dishonest with anyone.
And, I just decided not to lie to the salesmen anymore, even if it means I have to endure their list of “solutions” to the reasons I don’t want their service.
Dammit.
Honesty has served me well over the years, and I developed a reputation as a person you could trust to tell you the truth about things, even when it wasn't easy. As I practiced, I found ways to have tough conversations with people that remained constructive and helpful. This became the most valuable thing I did for people as a therapist.
Being honest is what led me out of therapy and into coaching as well. As therapy-related jargon infiltrated popular culture thanks to social media, I saw a shift and what people were looking for.
More and more people showed up in my office talking about boundaries when they were looking for excuses to be selfish, self-care when they were looking for excuses for not handling their shit, and, my favorite, saying that anyone who disagreed with them was "gaslighting" them. They were not interested in being honest with themselves or hearing honest responses from me, and I’m not the person to come to for a pat on the back when you are making a mess of things.
I watched as the available territory for honest conversations got smaller and smaller until I realized it was time to leave. Coaching, being more goal and future-oriented, lends itself to honest conversation much more easily, in my opinion. I have more than a few clients who start the meeting by saying something like, "Okay, I need you to kick my ass today" or "Alright, today is about brutal honesty from you."
I love that.
A Practice
So how do we start behaving more honestly? As with so many things we talk about, it requires a degree of mindfulness, intention, and insight.
To start, take inventory of your day right before you go to bed. Sift through everything that happened and look for any instances where you were dishonest, no matter how small.
Did you lie to the panhandler when you said you didn’t have cash?
Did you lie to your spouse when they asked what you thought about their outfit or new haircut?
Did you say you were too busy to do something when you just didn't want to?
I'm not saying you have to go back and make amends or correct these lies. In the beginning, it's good to just become aware of them.
Once you've identified a few lies, ask yourself why you lied. Don't accept easy answers - we are incapable of doing anything as a species without a reason, and we have to think it is a good reason. If you can figure out why you lie, stopping is a lot easier.
If you lie to avoid discomfort, plan for it, and learn to tolerate discomfort. If you tend to lie to panhandlers, have cash with you, or be prepared to say no.
If you lie to avoid hurting other people's feelings, learn to speak clearly and directly without malice. I don't mind telling Barbara that the outfit she's wearing is not my favorite (if she asks: I never volunteer) but that I think she looks beautiful regardless because that is always true to me.
If you lie to avoid a difficult situation only to commit yourself to something that you don't want to do down the road, bite the bullet and be upfront about the things you don't want to do or that are not a priority for you. This one wasn't easy for me because I feel obligated to say yes to every social or business-related opportunity that comes my way, but it only takes a few times of feeling the joy that comes from not kicking the can down the road to help you realize how honesty can make our lives a lot easier. Simply telling people, "I appreciate the offer, but I'm not interested in that," or "That is not something I'm willing to prioritize right now," has made my life much easier (now I have to do it with the salesmen).
This is all a process, and I'm not trying to impose some draconian morality on anybody. We all need to understand how often we lie, why, and how many lies we want to stop telling. If you are going to continue to lie about something, be honest with yourself about that.
Journal Prompts
How often do I lie?
Do I tend to tell small lies or big lies?
Do I lie to get myself out of trouble? Prevent conflict? Avoid uncomfortable situations? Make myself look better?
How honest do I really want to be?
What would it look like to never tell a lie?
Do people perceive me as being an honest person? Is this a fair perception?
What consequences have I faced because of lies I've told? What would have happened if I'd been honest in those situations?
Toxic Positivity
We've had historic rain here in Texas. This is very much needed, but it's also a problem when you live in the flattest part of the state and there's nowhere for that water to go.
I took Max to New Mexico for a few days last month. I have a series of back roads I take because I like being out in the middle of nowhere, but as we were driving, I noticed more and more standing water out in the fields. There was so much of it there were waves with white caps. I kept pressing on because I was getting close to where we would run back into a main road, only to find the last 300 yards covered by what looked like a river in front of me.
A rancher who had seen me headed that way decided to follow me to make sure I wasn't dumb enough to try and cross it pulled up and told me that it was about 6 feet deep in the middle. We talked for a while, and he called a few friends who helped him find a route where all the roads were open, so we turned around and headed in the opposite direction.
This turned my normal 5 1/2-hour drive into a nine-hour drive. Here's why that was OK:
I was grateful that I've traveled enough to know that driving into standing water is one of the dumbest things you can do. It only takes 12 inches of rushing water to pick a car up, and two feet will carry most trucks and SUVs off. Please don't ever drive into the water if you don't know how deep it is – turn around if there’s even a question.
I thought it was pretty cool that that rancher and his family took the time to follow me down a road in the middle of nowhere to make sure I was OK. It was also cool that he reached out to friends in the area to find me a good way north.
I was in a comfortable car with my son, headed to the mountains in New Mexico for a few days. That's a pretty good deal.
Between Spotify and Audible, I had plenty of things to keep me entertained. Soundtracks by Jon Acuff (more on that in a second) and Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson made the time fly by.
What was an inconvenience to me was a godsend for people enduring a drought and disastrous for others who lost homes in the flooding. My situation was very manageable.
We made it to New Mexico safely, just later than we expected. We had a good time there, and the trip home was uneventful outside of a bunch of road work that added an hour to the drive. If you know anything about New Mexico roads, you'll know that we will never complain about road work, though.
Media of the Month
I read a lot, most of it is nonfiction, and a bunch is in the self-help section. I've read a ton of tolerable/forgettable titles and a bunch of books that would have been better off not being written at all. I rarely find a book that immediately jumps onto my constant recommendation list. I'm always happy when I do.
Soundtracks by Jon Acuff is one of the great ones. Ben, a friend and reader, who is currently writing the book I am most excited about reading in the future recommended it, and I loved it. It is funny, engaging, and, most importantly, useful. Thoughts and how they impact people’s lives remains one of the most frequent conversations I have with clients. I've told everyone that this is the book to read if they struggle overthinking.
This isn't a full review, so I'll leave it at that. Soundtracks worth checking out.
Memento Mori
A lot of what we've talked about this year could be tied to the idea of the legacy we leave behind. I think it's silly and even dangerous to spend too much time in your life thinking about your legacy and what other people will think of you, but there's also a lot of value in thinking about what kind of impression you want to leave behind on the people who matter. A legacy of honesty, even when it's difficult, is one worth leaving.
I will look forward to talking to you again soon, take care.
James
Excellent work, Obiwan. Just excellent. I think you are teaching an old dog new tricks. Very exciting! Have you read Sean Detrich? I think you be great buddies.
The whole honesty piece hit home in a big way. Thank you.