A Simple Way to Have a Good Life: Have Dignity and Integrity
They may sound old-fashioned, but they matter.
Summary
· The Podcast and New Sections
· Dignity and Integrity
· Hurricane Carter
· How to Cultivate Dignity and Integrity
· A Song About Hard Times
· Power Outages
· Death Sneaks Up on Us
Quotes
"There is a healthful hardiness about real dignity that never dreads contact and communion with others, however humble."
Washington Irving
"Remember this-that there is a proper dignity and proportion to be observed in the performance of every act of life."
Marcus Aurelius
“Supporting the truth, even when it is unpopular, shows the capacity for honesty and integrity.”
Steve Brunkhorst
“The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.”
Bob Marley
“With integrity, you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide. With integrity, you will do the right thing, so you will have no guilt.”
Zig Ziglar
Housekeeping
Welcome to the Simple Ways to Have a Good Life newsletter. This goes out on the 1st of the month and is available to anybody who wants to read it. Every month we discuss a simple way to have a good life; this year is all about cultivating character traits that lead to fewer problems in our lives.
This newsletter is focuses on the things we can all do to improve our lives by changing how we live. Nothing is ever meant to be judgmental or condemning, though it often seems that people feel judged by others who are just trying to do better. I don't know what to tell those people. I assume they don't read this newsletter at all, or they unsubscribe quickly.
There are 5 posts this month, 3 will be available to everybody. The paid posts dive into the topics we discuss in a more bareknuckle way. I'm glad to have you here, whether you are a free or paid subscriber.
People have asked me about the podcast because I have not released an episode since September or October. I logged in to my podcast host and saw we crossed 10,000 listens, which is cool. I still don't know if I will start it again, though. I enjoy writing, and that's where I want to focus. We'll see. I try to listen to the feedback I get from people, but I don't know that I'm up for podcasting again.
We have two new sections starting this month based on reader feedback.
Quite a few people have said they miss the gratitude practice part of the newsletter, so that is returning under the heading "Toxic Positivity." It won't actually be toxic positivity, but I've decided to embrace the label since we've decided to use it for anything that's not mopey and anti-everything.
The second new section is called Media of the Month. A lot of people have told me they wish I was still on Instagram because I used to share songs, shows, movies, and books that I was enjoying on there. I'm not willing to get back on Instagram right now, but I can share those things here. I won't share everything I'm consuming, but I'll try to pick something worthwhile or meaningful each month.
Lastly, a few people have asked how I feel about paid emails being forwarded on to friends and family. I very much appreciate being able to make some money off of these things I write, but my ultimate goal is always to create things that are helpful to real people living normal lives in this increasingly strange world.
If something I have written would be useful to someone you know, please feel free forward it on to them. If forwarding it somehow creates a paywall or something (technology is essentially black magic to me), feel free to copy and paste it into a Word doc or another email and forward that. I can't tell you how grateful I am that you spend your money on me each month, please feel comfortable sharing useful things with the people in your life.
Thanks again for being here. I say it a lot, but it means a lot to me that people take the time to read what I write and send me emails.
A Simple Way to Have a Good Life
Alright. This month's simple way to have a good life is to have dignity and integrity. I know these sound old-fashioned and it may seem odd that I'm pairing them up, so let's break all of that down. We'll start by defining our terms.
When we talk about dignity, we are talking about having self-respect, expecting respect, and, most importantly, behaving in a way that we deserve that respect from others.
Let's get two things out of the way here at the beginning:
Everybody deserves basic respect for being a human with intrinsic and infinite worth. I'm not denying that. I am saying there are things we can do and ways we can behave that carry that further.
This is not about status or having titles. If the last 20 years have shown us anything with eye-rupturing clarity, it's that a person can have very high status and all the most important titles and still carry themselves with a complete lack of dignity. We seem to seek those people out and elevate them at this point in our cultural de-evolution.
As for integrity, consistency is one of the most important traits we can look for. Integrity is consistency in thought, consistency in word, and consistency in action. This consistency is not dictated or interrupted by the things happening around us and is not dependent upon context or social fads.
Consistency and rigidity are not the same thing. We'll talk about this in one of the deep dives, but part of integrity is being able to change your mind about things when you realize you are wrong.
The other words I would associate with integrity are honesty, accountability, ethical behavior, and trustworthiness. We can add many traits to these, but every single one would need to be positive.
Dignity is about the way we carry ourselves, what we expect from ourselves, and how we expect people to treat us in response to these things. Integrity is about standing by what we believe to be right and true regardless of circumstances.
I paired these two together because I cannot think of an instance where a person has dignity but not integrity, or integrity without dignity. Dignity requires integrity because you have to be consistent and steadfast to carry yourself with self-respect all the time. Integrity requires dignity because you have to believe in yourself enough to stand by the things you believe are right when tested. They go hand-in-hand.
An Example
The first person to come to mind when I talk about this is the boxer Hurricane Carter. I've talked about him before, so I won't go into depth here, but he was falsely accused of a crime and went to prison for it.
He never let them break him, and he refused to behave like a criminal or a prisoner despite the consequences it brought him. In one of the lowest-status places in American society, he carried himself with great dignity and integrity.
Just because we behave in a way that should command dignity doesn't mean that people will give it to us, as various minority groups have learned over and over again. This is one of the essential things about dignity though: you have it when you decide you have it, whether other people treat you with it or not. This is evident in people like Jesus, Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr., and a host of other people fighting against oppressive social norms that were upheld by people who saw them as inherently inferior.
Dignity and integrity are self-sustaining.
A Practice
How can we cultivate dignity and integrity?
This is not an exhaustive list, but here are a few things that can help us.
Take yourself seriously when it comes to serious things. I know this sounds strange coming from the guy who spent an entire month talking about how we should not take ourselves so seriously, but that was about all the silly things we tend to get worked up over as humans. There are some things we need to take seriously. When I was a therapist, I never addressed criticism from other therapists that revolved around things like my perspective or that I was too relativistic. They did not bother me because they made sense coming from the people who were criticizing me, and I did not care. On the other hand, if anybody had ever accused me of something that mattered, like having inappropriate relationships with my clients or breaking confidentiality, I would have taken it seriously and addressed it with them immediately. I'm glad I never had to.
Know why you are doing what you're doing and stand by it. Another counseling story. There was a guy I referred quite a few people to years ago because he was very good at a specific type of work. At one point, I had two other counselors approach me separately to tell me that he had called me a "f*cking dumbass" in front of a room full of people over something I did that he disagreed with. My initial reaction was to not refer people to him anymore because it hurt my feelings. After reasoning it out, though, I had to ask myself if I was referring people to him because I thought he liked me or because he was good at what he did. Since he was good at what he did, I continued to refer people to him because it was best for the people who were receiving his help. It sucked, but it taught me to examine my motives and make sure I can stand by them.
Surround yourself with people who embody dignity and integrity. This is a tough one right now. As I said, our culture elevates and promotes shamelessness and audacity. Much of this is driven by social media. At some point, we began to see narcissism and self-absorption as positive traits, and this has begun to infect more and more people. When you find people who carry themselves with dignity and integrity, go out of your way to spend more time with them and pay attention to what they do. We are a species that learns through modeling. I've learned a lot by finding people who are wiser than me and trying to do what they do. We can carry this a step further by finding people in popular culture who embody these traits and reading about them, reading what they write, and learning what they learn. I often read books because I find out someone I admire recommends them.
Do not give time, attention, and energy to shameless people. We will be surrounded by unadulterated shamelessness almost every minute of the day if we are not intentional about what shows up on our feeds, what books and shows we consume, and what we watch on television and YouTube. In the same way that surrounding ourselves with people with dignity and integrity begins to permeate us until it saturates our character, shamelessness will do the same thing. Shameless people will always create trouble for themselves and the people around them because their actions are based on what's going to get them attention instead of what is beneficial or right. Avoid these people at all costs, even in your online world.
There are many other things you can do to cultivate dignity and integrity in your life; these are the things that came to mind for me immediately. I would love to hear about people you think embody these characteristics and how you cultivate them in your own life.
Media of the Month
I first heard this song as I pulled out of my driveway to go down to Austin to sit with my grandmother before she died. I don't know how, but when I heard it I knew she would pass away before I came home, and she did. I've probably listened to this song 100 times since then.
I know I've disappointed some people by shifting to a more defined belief in God and an afterlife, and that's OK. I don't know why that is so much more unacceptable than some vague belief about “a force in the universe” or that we cycle through life after life until we just extinguish, but it has seemed to bother a few of my longtime readers. I suppose part of integrity is being honest with where I am regardless of people’s expectations of me though, so here we are.
I appreciate how this song talks about this new hope that I have without dismissing the difficulties of being alive by saying something about how God has it all handled or it will all be OK someday. I believe those two things now, but they don't necessarily make the suffering I see and sometimes experience every day any easier in the moment. I was drawn to the honesty.
Anyway, check the song out and let me know what you think about it. I like it.
Toxic Positivity
Our power has been going out a lot lately. It's gone out more in the last year than in the previous decade combined, and it seems to go out for longer and longer periods. I see a lot of people up in arms against our utility company about this, and I understand that not having power is an inconvenience in a world that relies on it so heavily.
On the other hand, I think they do a good job. I saw that some people in Michigan have not had power or water for the last four days because of the snowstorms they are having up there. I remember losing power for extended periods when I was a kid growing up in the mountains.
My dad was the town electrician and was often gone at night helping people get power back for their homes. He was gone quite a few Christmas Eves, if I remember correctly. When I woke up two nights ago and the house was completely dark (I'm such a light sleeper that somehow the electricity going out wakes me up), and I could hear thunder and pouring rain outside and see all the lightning my first thought was how people were working out in that weather so that we could all have our electricity back.
It was out for about four hours. I ran up the street, got some donuts since it was Max's last day of school, and grabbed Barbara some coffee. I have a cup that I travel with that plugs into my cigarette lighter to have my green tea on the road, so I got that going out in the driveway. I have several lanterns and a little portable power station, so I used those to do my morning reading.
It was all inconvenient. We pay a lot for our electricity and water these days, but the world is imperfect, and sometimes things go wrong. I'm grateful to live somewhere that has electricity and running water, and I'm grateful for the people who go out in the worst weather to keep it all up and running for us.
Journal Prompts
What do I think of when I hear the word dignity?
What do I think of when I hear the word integrity?
Am I conscious that the things I say and do help other people formulate their perceptions of me? Do I pay attention to this whether I believe it is fair or unfair?
Who do I think of when I think of the word dignity? Who do I think of when I think of the word integrity? (I would appreciate hearing your answer to these two questions if you don't mind sharing it with me).
What areas of my life would benefit from a little more dignity?
Where am I lacking integrity?
What can I do to shore these areas up?
Memento Mori
This one is easy this month. My grandma died and I recently posted on Facebook about the number of people who have died in the past five years and how it feels like it's getting harder to process and accept. Very few of those people expected their death, but it came anyway. I keep a quote from Marcus Aurelius framed and hanging in my sunroom:
"You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think."
This all matters. How you treat yourself and how you treat others matters. Let dignity and integrity infuse all of your relationships, including your relationship with yourself.
Until Next Time
Welcome again to everybody who recently signed up; I appreciate having you here. I'll talk to you in a week or so.
Take care,
James
When I think of dignity and integrity, I think of the twentieth century diplomat Dag Hammarskjold and of the politician Barbara Jordan. Hammarskjold’s “Markings” is one of my all-time favorites, and Jordan’s ability to speak truth to power has impressed me for years.