Summary
· Honest Priorities
· God, Family and Work versus Jack Daniels, Sleeping in the Yard, and Puking
· The Invisible Observer
· The Practice of the Presence of God
· Just Say No to Patreon
Quotes
“Action expresses priorities.”
Mahatma Gandhi
“The things that matter most should never be at the mercy of the things that matter least.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I’m Glad You’re Here
Welcome to the Simple Ways to Have a Good Life newsletter, your monthly guide to cultivating the life you want without spending money on gurus, gimmicks, or influencers. Two decades of helping people change their lives has taught me that the best things are simple and don't require spending a dime. I use this space to share those things.
A Simple Way to Have a Good Life
I get to talk to people about their priorities a lot. It's an essential part of being a coach. I talk about personal priorities with people, I talk about priorities in the form of values and goals for people who own companies, and I get to talk to managers and bosses about their priorities for their departments and employees.
An Example
One thing I've noticed over and over again is the difference between people's stated priorities and their actual priorities. The best example I've seen of the difference between these came from a man who told me that his priorities were God, family, and work, in that order.
The order of our priorities is important. This man was saying that the most important thing in the world was God, the second most important was his family, and the third most important was his work. This means that he believed that he ordered his life according to this.
In the same conversation, he told me he had worked on Saturday even though he wasn't supposed to, missing an event with his family. When he got home that night, he was so stressed out he got blackout drunk in his backyard while his family watched a movie together, and he was then too hungover to get up and go to church.
Now, I'm not saying that you have to go to church to prioritize God, but I did think it was kind of funny that he got so drunk he was unable to follow through with something that he had told me was his first priority.
Along with this, choosing to work when he didn't have to instead of going to an event with his family, and then that work leaving him so stressed out that he did not watch a movie with his family either, was a clear indication that his priorities were out of place. We both acknowledged this and were able to have a productive conversation as a result.
A Practice
There's an exercise I use with clients when we are talking about priorities and values (we'll talk more about values later this month). After they tell me what their priorities or values are, I tell them to imagine that an invisible person follows them around 24 hours a day for a month - what would this invisible observer come back and tell me their priorities are?
This often shifts their understanding of priorities because we have our stated priorities, and then we have our actual priorities.
We all like to think that we have solid priorities. The ones I hear most often are God/faith, family, work, health, and friends. But, when I ask the question about the invisible observer, people often recognize that their priorities are actually things like work, drinking, watching television, playing video games, watching sports, or sleeping. Sometimes it helps them recognize some bad habits that have evolved in their lives.
When I do this exercise on myself, I can say that my priorities are God, my family, work, reading, and spending time with people. I have a hard time organizing those into a strict hierarchy because they seem to fluctuate. I go through phases where God and my spiritual life are at the forefront of things, but oftentimes, family and work take priority over that. This has helped me recognize that when I keep God first in my life, everything else seems to be a little bit easier.
I've always prioritized my family. If my wife wants something and I want something else, 9 out of 10 times, I make sure she gets what she wants. I have sacrificed money and career advancement to spend time with my kids over the years, and I do not regret this. I have a great relationship with Tyler, who is 22 years old, and this relationship made his difficult teenage years a lot easier for him and me.
When Max was young and would get sick, I was always the one who would stay home with him, and I got to homeschool him for two years starting in 2020. I recently pulled Mae out of daycare, and she stays here at the house with me when I work from home. She goes to my office when I see clients. She even has her own office in a large closet that we decorated where she hangs out, eats snacks, colors, and watches shows about princesses and unicorns on Netflix while I work.
I recognize that I am sacrificing things to spend this time with my kids, but I cannot imagine a scenario where I regret that. I don't know that I will ever be wealthy, but I value the relationship I have with my family.
I prioritize being able to help my parents anytime I'm able, even though it's not that often because they are both smarter and more capable than I am. This revolves around going to New Mexico to help my dad with projects, help them open the property at the beginning of summer and shut it down for the winter, or doing little errands and things like that.
I work a lot. I'm usually doing something for my business by 5:00 AM, and I spend hours a day either meeting with people or creating something for my coaching business. When I drive, I listen to books that can help advance this, and most of what I read and watch pertains to my work as a coach in some way.
I read a lot. I read for work, and I read for fun. I make a point of going to bed early enough to read each evening. During the day, I often choose to read instead of watching TV or playing a video game. If I have a book I love, this can bump up on the priority list, but I try to keep it in its place. I stayed up way, way too late for a month reading the Mistborn trilogy. My priorities were out of whack.
I prioritize spending time with people, but this is new for me and requires intentionality. Left to my own devices, I will always choose to be alone. I'm happiest when I'm alone, but I've recognized that it is almost pathological for me, so I make sure I have coffee or lunch with at least one or two people weekly. This has been good for me and is becoming more natural as I go.
All of that is to say that, for the most part, my priorities are borne out in my actions. If your priorities and how you spend your time do not match up, then you are living in stated priorities instead of actual priorities. Don't judge yourself for this, but make adjustments as needed.
When I first did the invisible observer exercise, I recognized that my priorities were Netflix, video games, work, and my marriage, in that order. I was out of balance, and it was not good. My life has changed for the better in the years since recognizing that and changing to make my stated priorities my actual priorities.
Journal Prompts
What would I tell people my priorities are?
What would the invisible observer tell them my priorities are?
Are my priorities in line with who I want to be?
What concrete changes could I make to bring my time and my priorities into better alignment?
Media of the Month
Someone gave my son a copy of The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence, so I decided to read it again. I first found this book on my grandmother's shelf about 10 or 15 years ago. I liked the idea of a contemplative lifestyle, but I couldn't get around what I saw as authoritarian overtones as Brother Lawrence talked about his sinfulness and God's sovereignty (we'll talk more about that later this month).
I've gone back and reread it over the years, but it's only recently that the real power of this book has hit me. It's been a strange trip for me, from having a middle finger for all authority to finding peace by submitting to what I perceive as legitimate authority. Brother Lawrence played a key role in the first steps of that journey.
You can get it for $0.99 on Kindle; the mass-publication editions of the paperback are usually around $2. I love the modern language edition.
Housekeeping
I've decided against Patreon next year. There was general support for me doing videos and the podcast again, but most people said the writing was what they were most here for.
I understand that not everybody wants to read and that Patreon could open a new audience for me, but that is actually part of the reason I'm going to stick with writing here on Substack.
I know I'm supposed to want to grow my audience, reach more people, get more engagement and all of that, but it doesn't appeal to me. I had what many people would consider a decent following on Instagram, with good engagement, and it stressed me out. I'm not cut out for engagement with too many people. Since I'm also not cut out for ignoring people's messages, having a large following is a bad idea for me.
I like writing. I like talking with you all via e-mail. I like that it requires some sort of investment on your part to engage with this stuff. I've lost a considerable chunk of my audience by moving here to Substack, but I've been a lot happier and less anxious, so I will stick with that.
I'm still considering picking the podcast up again because people keep asking me to do that. If I do, and that's still definitely an if, I'll probably put them up for $0.99 an episode or something. I like thinning out the tire kickers.
I've enjoyed every interaction with people through this newsletter over the last year, and I don't want to change that. Thank you for making this such a positive experience that I don’t need or want more. I'm very grateful for that.
What’s Going On
November was a blur. We got moved into the new house, but there are still a lot of boxes everywhere and work to do. We are trying to get the old house ready to sell, but I lived there for 22 years, so that has been a job.
What I thought was a pinched nerve in my back is looking more like a tendon I pulled off the bone in my shoulder, so we need to get that figured out eventually. It's strange to say this, but I can’t make it a priority right now, so I'm leaving it to sort itself out.
My parents came to town for quite a while to help us get moved and renovate the new house, and I have enjoyed that. I was a genuine shithead for most of my life, so I am fortunate to have such a good relationship with them now. I enjoy having them around, and the number of things they can do blows my mind.
There's not much else to say about last month. It's a blur of U-Haul trucks, dollies, and my toolbox. I've enjoyed it.
Until Next Time
We'll wrap up the year over the next month by talking about being our own highest authority, what it means to actually live under authority, and the danger of not knowing who our gods are.
Thank you for reading. Take care.
James
As is almost always the case, James, you nailed it for me on this one. You poke and prod--but never hurtfully so--me to look not just in the mirror, but also deeply within. I need that. Thank you for giving me just what I need.