A Simple Way to Have a Good Life
I called an audible on this month's topic at the last minute.
It's been a difficult few years for everybody. A lot of people tell me it feels like the world is spinning out of control, and I can't say I don't understand what they mean. There's a theory that reality began unraveling back when they first started that supercollider in Switzerland.
I'm not saying I believe it, but I can understand the people who do.
The thing is, this is life.
It has ups and downs and those big loop-de-loops, and it's all beyond our control. None of us have power over global affairs, wars, the economy, pandemics, what kind of leadership we live under, inflation, or other people.
We do, however, have control over how we respond to those things, but I often see people who have not learned how to use that control in any real way. Because of that, this month's simple way to have a good life is to learn how to carry the weight.
An Example
I used to be a rock climber. I was obsessed with it. We built a climbing wall in my backyard, climbed on the school before school, climbed on the school during lunch, went climbing after school, and took off to climb for the weekend as soon as school got out on Friday. I remember my dad wanting to kill me when it came time to sell that house because I was always climbing on the limestone, and my climbing shoes left black marks everywhere that he had to power wash off.
When we would climb somewhere that we had the backpack in to camp, it was always challenging because you had to carry a bunch of extra weight because of the climbing gear. We got really good at it over the years, knowing where to hang different things to be comfortable and how to distribute the weight well. It also helped that we were in good shape.
Something Practical
We all have weight that we have to carry. Some people have more weight to carry than others. We can complain about this being unfair, but it doesn't change how heavy something is. There are, however, a few things we can do to make the unavoidable weight of life a little easier.
Don't be afraid to take things out of your pack. Many of us carry things because we believe we have to. Sometimes, we even seek out things to upset or distress us. Don't be afraid to take things out of your pack if there's nothing you can do about them or they're not things you actually have to deal with. One of the easiest ways to do this is to draw healthy boundaries with toxic or unhealthy people, abandon social media, and turn the news off.
Don't carry things that other people should be carrying. Having other people in our lives will always introduce difficulty, but we often end up over-functioning for the people around us. If someone you know insists on making decisions that bring consequences into their lives or your life, you are allowed to draw boundaries. If someone is dealing with something, whether it's their fault or not, that does not make it yours to carry. Over time, I've learned how to be there for people without carrying their weight. It's OK to help someone carry their load, especially when tragedy strikes or a problem first makes itself known, but eventually, we have to recognize who needs to be carrying what.
Don't carry things that other people are carrying. Sometimes, because of a certain kind of codependence or need to be liked, we pick up things that other people are already carrying and may not need our help with. This has gotten worse as our culture has decided that our identity and value are tied to our suffering. Life will bring you suffering at some point. There's no reason to dig around for it in other people's bags.
Distribute the weight. This is something we all have to learn, but it's important to know where certain things should fit when we're carrying the weight that life often drops on us. The cool thing about having a consciousness is that we also get to assign the weight to a certain extent, so it's important to know how much space you can allow something in your life. The mind likes to fixate on things and make them weigh a lot more than they do. It’s a skill to assess their real weight well.
Share the weight where you can. I am not good at this. It's only in the last few years that I've actually started talking to people about things. I still do it infrequently, and it requires a force of will. It's part of the reason I've committed to therapy for the next 12 months. You can't carry everything alone. We weren't designed to do that anyway. Know when to share the weight with the people who are on this trip with you.
No matter how well you distribute the weight, you won't be able to carry it if you aren't in shape. We'll talk about how to be in "good shape" to carry weight in the next post.
Journal Prompts
How conscious am I of the weight that I am carrying?
Am I intentional about what I carry and what I put down?
Where might I be carrying weight for other people?
Do I need to carry this for them?
Am I possibly depriving them of their own journey by carrying their weight?
Who helps me carry my weight?
Do I need to learn how to share the weight with others better?
Talking About Death (even though I don't want to)
OK, I hate to do it again, but here's another warning for everyone who asked me to give them a heads-up before I spoke about death. If you are one of them, please skip to the next section.
I had a dear friend commit suicide yesterday. It was shocking, and my mind is still sorting it out.
I am fortunate that I know how to carry this weight well. I'm watching my mind try to create problems where there are no problems.
It's asking why I didn't dig further when he rescheduled lunch with me last week and why I didn't reach out to him more often.
It's thinking about the impact this has on other people and cataloging every mistake I ever made with him. It's even inventing mistakes for me to turn over in my head.
This is what I mean about knowing how to carry weight.
My friend often rescheduled lunch or coffee with me at the last minute because something else had come up.
We did not talk daily or even every week, so there's no valid reason for me to carry guilt about not reaching out. We had a friendship where we each gave the other the space to be and do the things we needed to be and do.
I will miss that.
I know this is harder for others than me, but I cannot carry that weight for them. It would be wrong of me even if I could. I learned to carry weight by carrying weight.
When I look at the supposed mistakes I made with him, I can't think of anything I would go back and change, but the mind keeps looking.
This is what the mind does. It seeks to establish control at every step, even if it has to sacrifice the truth to do it, and even if it has to make us feel terrible to do it.
My mind wants me to think that if I had done something else, I could have prevented this. It wants me to think that it's not a matter of not having control, but a matter of not doing enough. One of the most important things any of us can learn when it comes to carrying the weight that life puts on us is that many things are out of our control, and there's nothing we can do about that.
Don't hesitate to reach out to people in your life if you feel like they might need it. Don't
hesitate to reach out to the people in your life if you feel like you might need it. Human connection is vital, and therapy can be a game changer. Psychology Today is an excellent resource for finding a therapist in your area. There are online options, and many places have resources for affordable therapy.
What's Going On
I don't feel like talking a lot about what's going on in my life. I do feel like I'm turning the corner with COVID, but I haven't been able to get my blood pressure under control, and that has been difficult.
All in all, I'm very fortunate to have the life I have.
I am grateful to all of you who read this.
Take care,
James
What powerful writing and words I believe every single one of us would benefit from hearing. As one who always tries (in vain) to be in control, your post was such an incredible and helpful eye-opener for me. In gratitude – thank you! I look forward to your future posts.
Needed this. ❤️