Gratitude is a Choice

Do or do not. There is no try.

I often talk with clients about the difference between things we try to do and things that we choose to do.

It’s important.

I can try to deadlift 900 lbs.

I can try to outrun a bear.

I can try to fly.

Barring a miracle, I will fail.

I’m not super strong or super-fast. I can run about 50 yards before my hands go numb and I’ll never approach 40 mph (bears can run that fast). I can’t even jump very high these days, much less fly. These are things I can try to do, but most likely will not succeed.

On the other hand, there are a lot of things that we simply do or do not do, they don't require trying. If we attempt them and fail, it's because we choose to fail, not because we are incapable.

Some are simple.

I may not want to, but I can go on my walk this morning.

It may suck, but you can stop eating out so much to save some money.

Some are more complicated.

It may be hard, but business owners can fire an employee who is not doing their job.

It will be messy, but anyone can end a toxic long-term relationship they are in.

None of these are things to attempt; they are things you or do not do. I'm not a Star Wars guy, but Yoda did say it best.

Don’t get me wrong – I mean it when I say that these things will be hard, but that doesn't bring them into the realm of "try." You do them, or you don't. Understanding this one thing will make your life a lot easier.

This applies to a few things that we don’t want to admit it applies to.

Loyalty is a choice. I’ve never met anyone who accidentally cheated on their spouse or betrayed a friend. There’s always agency. If they are honest with themselves, they will see the steps they took to make the choice.

At the very least, you have to have the character (or lack of it) to cheat and betray, and we build our character with the choices we make every day. We’re actually going to talk about this later this week.

Forgiveness is a choice. I know people who hold grudges for a very long time, saying they “just aren’t ready to forgive” or they “are working on it.” (I said both of those things in a baby talk voice in my head).

Forgiving someone is a choice you make. Sometimes, you have to make it every single day, but it’s still a choice. A lot of people won’t admit they like the feeling of superiority not forgiving gives them or they are waiting for some magical moment where it just happens. Life doesn’t work that way.

Lastly, and the title should have given this away, but gratitude is a choice. Some days are harder than others, but we can always choose to be grateful for what we do have. Life is hard. Some years or even decades are harder than others, but this difficulty doesn’t make it impossible.

As with any choice, these all become easier to make as we practice them. This is cool because we can change things for the better, but it’s also difficult because many of us have spent decades practicing the opposite.

I know it’s corny, but there is good in taking some time to be grateful during the holiday season, especially when it might feel like the world is spinning out of control. I’ve struggled with gratitude in 2024, and I’m working to do better in 2025. Here are a few ideas I have for that.

Gratitude Journaling

I have a little routine I go through in the morning where I plan my day, and the evening where I review it. I've added a short list of things that I'm grateful for to this practice, and I make sure they are each unique to that day instead of falling into the easy answers.

As with anything, it’s easier to do this some days than others. When I wake up in pain or when I didn't sleep well the night before, it's harder to find those unique things I'm grateful for, but it's also more important so that my mind is not overwhelmed by the negative.

A gratitude journal doesn't have to be an elaborate thing. It can be a simple list of the things that you appreciate having in your life, it can be things from your past, or it could be things you're excited about in the future. Don't get too caught up on the format, it's about reminding yourself that there are always good things in life.

Gratitude Notes

This is a new idea I have that I'd like to put into practice in 2025. I often think about people who have helped me in my life, and it makes me grateful to them and reminds me there is more good than bad. Late at night or when I'm driving I think about how I should reach out to them and let them know, but I don't follow through when I'm sitting at my computer or when it's actually a good time to shoot them a text.

I’m going to send 52 notes of gratitude to people in 2025. A lot of these won’t be letters (or emails these days), but a quick text or message on social media can mean as much. I got a text from someone yesterday telling me they appreciated something about me, and I screenshotted it and saved it in a folder where I keep positive feedback. I'd like to do that for others, and it's embarrassing that I'm only now thinking to do it.

Using my Clicker

I mentioned this on the podcast, and I know I've talked about it on here, but I've gotten back to carrying my little lap counter and clicking it every time something goes right. This is a radical way of recognizing that so many more things go right than go wrong in our lives.

It's funny to think about it, but you could literally click the counter every single time you take a step. What we call walking is really falling forward and catching ourselves with our foot and then repeating the process. I took over 10,000 steps before 9:30 AM yesterday, and I did not land on my face even once. That's worth noticing every once in a while and being grateful to our body for doing over and over without us even having to think about it.

Pausing

I tend to work a lot. Apart from meditation and reflective reading when I first wake up and reading fiction before I go to bed my day is consumed with tasks and the things I'm trying to build in this world. I got an Apple Watch to monitor my steps and heart rate, but I also programmed a bunch of alarms to remind me to pause for a moment and be grateful for whatever's going on.

For me, this takes the form of saying a quick prayer of thanks for being alive, for living in the world around me, and of thankfulness for whoever happens to be near me in that moment, but you don't have to believe in God to be grateful for this stable reality that allows for and sustains life. It's wild when you think about it.

Gratitude Prompts

Yes, there are a bunch of questions here. I've created a big bank of gratitude-oriented questions over the years, and it's important to explore it from as many angles as possible and to find as much nuance as we can, so I thought I'd share a bunch of them.

· How do I feel about the idea that gratitude is a choice I can make each day?

· What are three things in my life right now that I can choose to be grateful for?

· When have I chosen to be ungrateful, and how did it affect my mood or actions?

· How does my perspective shift when I focus on what I have rather than what I don’t have?

· What is a moment from today, however small, that I can recognize as a gift?

· Can I be grateful for the struggles I’ve overcome?

· How does gratitude impact the way I interact with other people?

· What does comparison do to my gratitude?

· What is one thing about myself that I feel grateful for right now?

· How do I respond when others express gratitude to me?

· What past experience can I look back on and see through a lens of gratitude?

· What habits or routines could help me cultivate gratitude in my life?

· What is something I often take for granted that I can appreciate more?

· What physical sensations or emotions do I notice when I intentionally feel grateful?

· How can I choose gratitude when life feels overwhelming or uncertain?

· What role does gratitude play in my spiritual journey?

· How does gratitude help me connect with the people I care about?

· How can I express my gratitude to someone today?

· What is a creative way I can document or celebrate the things I’m grateful for?

· How can I bring gratitude into difficult conversations or decisions I have to face?

Until Next Time

I have a short post I'm going to put up after the holiday about an idea I had for the new year, and the next podcast will post next Tuesday. It's about friendly curiosity, which might be the most important trait we can cultivate as we move into a new year with a new administration and an interesting set of circumstances in the world.

Speaking of gratitude, I know I say this every time, but I want to be clear how grateful I am to everyone who takes the time to read this newsletter. I know there are literally thousands of different things vying for our attention, and it still blows my mind that some of you choose these things that I write to focus on. I love hearing back from you, I appreciate those of you who sift through what I say and bring me nuance I missed or challenge places where you disagree. Thank you for letting me be a small part of your life.

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas and that you have so many wonderful things in your life this post on gratitude seems redundant or silly.

Take care,

James