It’s Not Always Cool

Fiiiiiiiiine. Let’s talk about toxic positivity

As I mentioned in the last post and a few other times, I've been going to therapy since January. One of the hardest things I've had to work out is the fact that a lot of the things that made my life the most difficult were the result of things that were beyond my control.

I know it may sound weird to say that it was difficult to find out that the hardest parts of my life were not my fault, but I like control, so I don't like that. I'm attached to the idea of control because taking ownership and responsibility for everything is what allowed me to turn my life around.

What I didn't realize was that by applying those ideas as a blanket concept, I also set up a few unhealthy things in my life, like keeping everything to myself and not accepting input from the people around me.

I like to make fun of the concept of toxic positivity, but there is such a thing, and I used it to avoid dealing with some of the more uncomfortable and difficult parts of my life. It was easier for me to look back and say that younger James was an annoying little shit than it was for me to acknowledge that younger James was trying to deal with some things that he didn't know how to deal with, and he compensated by seeking attention and pretending he was somebody he wasn't.

Learning to say “OK, cool” did change everything for me, and I'm very grateful for it, but we can't use it as some sort of magic bullet or blanket dismissal of the things in life that are traumatic and difficult to deal with.

 It's been hard for me to walk through and recognize how much of my life was impacted negatively by things that were beyond my control, but by doing it I'm becoming a healthier and more well-rounded person.

I'm still 100% an advocate for taking responsibility and ownership for everything in our life. It's the key to changing and doing better, but we also have to take ownership and responsibility for accepting that there are things that are out of our control in this world and in learning how to lean into those things and do what we need to do to sort them out.

When I recognized what a whiny and entitled little shit I'd always been, I swung in the opposite direction and refused to allow anything like that to exist in my life. This was helpful in ways, but by choosing to blame and criticize myself, I alienated myself from a huge part of my life.

There was a long time when I didn't visit my hometown at all or talk to friends from high school. I didn't know why, but I had an animosity toward those things - not the people or anyone specific, but the whole feeling of it. This is what happens when we have things we're not acknowledging and processing.

Things fester and decay in the dark.

Take ownership of how you respond to everything that happens to you, but don't take the blame for the things that happen that are not your fault or were beyond your control. Our minds will sacrifice us on the altar of control before they will admit sometimes things just happen. It's not an excuse to not handle your shit, but refusing to acknowledge it creates a whole different set of problems.

Journal Prompts

·      How do I feel about the concept of control? What makes it difficult for me to accept when things are out of my control?

·      What are some things in my life that were beyond my control but that I've taken too much responsibility for?

·      In what ways have I used positive thinking to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or situations?

·      What would it look like for me to accept personal responsibility and the idea that some things are out of my control?

Thank you for reading, thank you for supporting my work. I would love to hear back from you about this new direction, and what is working and what is not working for you, as well as things you would like me to write about.

I'm grateful for every one of you.

James