Newsletter Archive #6: Boundaries Make Good Neighbors
You’ll burn to a crisp if you don’t have limits.
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Someone asked if we could talk about mindfulness and boundaries this week.
It’s a good topic.
I talk about boundaries a lot.
I talk to a lot of people who feel guilty for even thinking of having boundaries with unhealthy people. They feel like it’s mean or rude.
This is really an odd idea.
If you look around, you see boundaries everywhere.
Our houses are made of walls and we have locks on our doors. We even have locks on the doors inside our houses. We have boundaries within boundaries. We have fences, walls, doors and personal space. It’s just a known thing that you cannot touch everyone’s butt.
Even animals know about boundaries. A dog will defend its yard, birds sing to warn other birds to go away.
Boundaries are a thing. I have talked about them alot. I did a podcast episode about boundaries and compassion, and I used to write about the guilt we often feel for having them when I was on Instagram. Rabbit trail: I’m editing this for Substack, and I’d like to say that I don’t miss Instagram at all. Abandon social media platforms. They hate you.
Let’s look at mental and emotional boundaries from a mindful perspective.
It’s odd that we most quickly drop our boundaries in the areas that most affect how we feel about ourselves and our lives. We’ll say something to someone if they are standing too close or taking money out our wallets, but we let people steal our time, energy, and peace.
Sometimes this is unavoidable. Some people are so deeply rooted in our lives that removing them would leave a gaping hole or cost us other relationships that we value. Sometimes they are instrumental in our jobs or family life, sometimes we need them. Sometimes we just love them despite their unhealthiness.
So how do we maintain our mental and emotional integrity with unhealthy people if we aren’t able to change the situation or address it with them? I know we’re told we should always address things with people, but I am not sure this is always possible. Sometimes we cannot do that because they hold a place of authority in our lives and we cannot risk the consequences of them responding poorly.
Other times, we may be dealing with someone with little to no insight who cannot step outside themselves and see their own behavior objectively. We aren’t supposed to be therapists for our friends and loved ones, much less our bosses.
So what do we do with people we find un-addressable, for whatever reason? I’ll speak for myself. I cannot and do not claim any of this as universal or True.
One: I establish a clear understanding with myself of what is mine and what is theirs.
This is important for me. I want everyone to be at peace and happy with their life. I want everyone to experience the freedom of insight and responsibility. I want good things for everyone, and this can lead me to overfunction for others. I have to be intentional and remember that none of this is personal and that everyone is responsible for their own emotional state. Including me.
Two: I cultivate and maintain the understanding that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.
Emphasis on try. This doesn’t mean there aren’t unhealthy people in the world or that no one harms others, only that they are doing this out of incompetence rather than maliciousness. This allows me to have boundaries while maintaining compassion for the suffering that drives their unskillful behavior. One of the first podcasts I ever did was about this. The more I work with people the more often I am struck by how everyone makes sense if we get to know them well enough. People’s behavior may be difficult or unhealthy, but it usually makes sense once you know how they were raised, traumas they’ve experienced, or relationships they’ve had. We were all taught how to behave, whether directly or indirectly. This doesn’t mean we let everyone bring their mess to us, but understanding it goes a long way.
Three: I pick which hill I want to die on.
For most of my life, every hill was worth dying on. I would argue and fight over anything and everything. It was an ego thing, I wanted to be right. I rarely was. I focus less on being right these days because I’ve learned that right and wrong are murky concepts when it comes to how people operate in the real world. I’ve learned that most fights aren’t worth having, especially with those I love or with people who don’t demonstrate a capability to see themselves objectively. Unhealthy people have unhealthy objectives, but we have to pick and choose which are worth going to war over. It’s not our job to fix everything for everybody, and sometimes it’s not worth the fight to try.
Four: I focus on my side of the street as much as I can.
I have control over one thing, and that’s my response. I never (literally never) have control over someone else, so why do I even look that direction? What they should or should not be doing is not just a matter of my opinion, it’s something I have no control over at all. Besides, when I am focused on them, I am not paying attention to me and my behavior, and that never turns out well. It’s important that I try to have an awareness where I am creating and maintaining problems. The day I start thinking I am perfect is the day trouble begins, so I try to keep my side of the street clean.
To be clear, there are times when the best thing we can do is remove someone from our lives completely, but this is not always possible without significant costs. We have to weigh that out and live in reality.
I hear people say that we should never tolerate unhealthy people in our space, but I am not sure most of us live with that kind of privilege and control. We all exist within power structures, and few of us are at the very top. Sometimes the best thing we have available is to set internal boundaries to minimize the affect they have on us.
Apart from all of this, I think there is often a great deal of learning and growth in working with difficult people. We have to be wise and take care of ourselves, but unhealthy people often show us what we need to be working on.
Sometimes that thing is boundaries.
When we make the decision to keep unhealthy people in our sphere, we have to draw mental and emotional boundaries to keep ourselves healthy and sane. This is how I do it. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than how I used to approach it. In creating your own approach, just be intentional.
Journal Prompts
Am I comfortable having boundaries?
If so, how intentional are my boundaries?
Who are the people I find it most difficult to have boundaries with?
Who are the people I don’t feel like I have a right to have boundaries with?
Who are the people it might be very costly to set boundaries with?
Is there anyone beyond the reach of boundaries?
What do I believe about boundaries? Where did I learn this?
How much responsibility do I take for other peoples’ mental and emotional states?
How much do other peoples’ mental and emotional states affect me?
Is there anything I can do to mitigate this?
What am I doing to maintain unhealthy or unequal relationships?
What would healthy boundaries in my life look like? Can I make this a reality?
As always, thank you for taking the time to read, listen to, and watch these things I create. I am grateful for every single one of you.
Take care,
James
Thanks for reading. I will keep updating these old newsletters and posting them as I am able.